To love the not-yet-lovables

To love the unlovables, or at least, the not-yet-lovables.....

This conversation is about to get ugly.  Ugly meaning truthfully candid...I will risk it.

When two people get together, if they want to get anywhere or if they are thinking about the future, then it's never just an issue about two people.  It involves two familes.

The extent of the involvement, of course, varies depending on the culture and style of each unique family. 

With my parents, they had the same view on the issue of involvement.  In my mom's words, "Both your dad and I were never really closed with our familes.  So once we got married, we pretty much thought our families were dead."  Yes, I know it sounds really awkward when I translate it into English.  But trust me, it makes perfect sense in the original language.  In other words, both of my parents had very little involvement in the other's family. 

That speaks to nature of our family as a whole - we have a fairly loose family structure.  It's not that we don't care about one another because we do, it's just that we are not involved in each other's lives.  We tend to do things independently, we take care of ourselves, we get together not because we needed help or want the other family to help solve our problems, but to simply have dinner together.  We get together for leisure, not so much responsiblity. 

So the bond that ties the family together is comparatively light -- in the sense that there is not a heavy element of obligation.  If it helps in anyway, we can say that the family blood runs rather watery/thin in our family.  And that's just how we are.

Chris' family or at least, Chris' view of involvment, is different from mine.  I guess you can say that on the whole, Chris holds a much more involved approach in dealing with family than me.  There is this sense of responsibility and obligation - yes of course - but the difference is that the element of non-negotiability, moral righteousness, non-deviance is much much stronger. 

To put it bluntly, it's the traditional family value where children are expected to obey and serve their parents.  According to some, it's a very outdated, patriarchal, and oppressive system that confines women (physcially and mentally) and children (obedience and deference to authority).

Under such an oppressive system, it is no wonder that anybody with half a brain will rebel.  That's human nature - fundamentals 101.

Does this offend anyone? 

The point is, I am facing difficulty in accepting and incorporating such a system in my life.  I have tried before to disregard that patriarchal element, suspend my judgements, and look for the beauty within -- to see whether there are some elements that I find beautiful, worth preserving, and agreeable.   But so far, nothing.

I cannot see how I can bring these elements (to which I am against) into my life and exist in peace.  As a modern woman who has an education, a mind, integrity, I dont' know how to do this.  And if any of you has figured out a way, please let me know.  I need this magic recipe asap.