Trip - To Get Married {photo diary} - Selected.

 

People are nosy

It's quite out of the blue....I opened my inbox a few days ago and found this email with the subject "Plan".  I went on to open it and....

Dear Zooe,

How are you? I heard that you will be leaving our department after the contract ends, any new plan in your career?

Best,
xxx

xxx is one of the secretaries in our Department.  I don't chit chat with her very often and for work purposes, we are in different areas (she manages postgraduate administration stuff).  For that reason, we are not really buddies, so to speak. 

I have mixed feelings about this email.  On the one hand, I feel how thoughtful of her to think of me, but on the other hand, I feel "Is it funny?  You don't seem to be very interested in my life for the past 7 years while I'm in the department and all of a sudden, you are interested now? Hum...."

Am I a bit cynical?  Perhaps.  Chris would probably say, "Why are you so mean?  She just wants to know how you are doing and maybe wish you well."

Perhaps.  But....I don't like it, to be frank.  Other than wanting to find out about my plan, what is the purpose of this email?  Is she going to offer me some travel advice?  Is she going to offer me a job? What?

Hence, the title of this post: People are nosy.  Good nosy, I appreciate; but this is a form of bad nosy, which I can do without.

By the way, I did reply her email very politely.  =)

Weekend Update

Happy Mother's Day (yesterday).  I was far far away from home (15 hours flight time) and wasn't able to celebrate the day with my Mom.  I sent her a card and we talked on the phone while she was at work.  Yes, she had to work on Sunday. 

It was a brief conversation, but I think it was quite nice, a bit warm and fuzzy and all =P 

I spent the weekend at Chris' place and the change of scenery was good for me.  I was able to relax, forget about work, and stop relying emails. 

That was important.....because.....

I received a lot of emails from my students over the weekend about the exams.  Their exams are on Monday and Thursday and so, I imagine many of them are trying to get the official word or clarification on the readings.  I do reply to these emails, but I am selective:

Specific questions that have a focus: certainly.
Closed ended questions seeking for clarification: for sure.
Questions that demonstrate prior reading and attempt of comprehension: definitely.

However, there are some questions that I just refuse to answer:

Open ended questions that have a large scope - essentially, if I were to answer the question adequately, I would write a whole essay on it to do it justice: refuse to answer.

Multiple questions directed at the same topic/concept and without evidence of any thought: delete.

I think some of you may think I am cruel if I don't answer students' questions, but there is a reason.  If I reply these open-ended questions by writing an essay on it (in other words, I answer my own exam question), I am no different than giving the students the answers to the exam.  Moreover, can you imagine if they forward my answer in an email to everyone else in the class?  Then, I am definitely doomed.

So, that's why. 

Call me cruel, but I think this is only fair. 

Forgiving your ex

What a title!...and I'm quite certain that the rest of this post will not measure up.  So forgive me, I will try to tread on anyway.

I recently watched a YouTube video on Getting over a Breakup.  I watch a lot of YouTube videos and this just happened to be one of them. 

I have to say I don't have a lot of experience with breakups.  I've only had one (so far), which was my ex (aka the asshole), and after that, I met Chris, who saved my life.

I still remember vividly how I felt and all the emotions I went through during my breakup.  Yes, like all breakups, it was horrible......^&%$#)@#%! [beep] [beep]....whatever you want to call it, it was that.  It was bad enough.  I blamed him for everything. 

After watching the video, however, something clicked.  In my tiny little brain, in that very area where I store that breakup memory, something clicked. 

While nothing will ever change the fact that he was an asshole, but perhaps, he wasn't that big of an asshole.  Perhaps he was just as confused as I was.  Perhaps he didn't know how to express his feelings properly.....perhaps, he just didn't know how to handle it just as I was incapable of dealing with it in a better way.

You know, we were both young and confused.  I certainly didn't know everything and was probably just functioning with half a brain.  So, for me to expect him to know everything and be able to deal with everything --- was nonsensible.  If I didn't know any better, why would I simply assume or expect other people to know better?

Why do I have that expectation of other people?  I know it may be a weird question to ask....but that's how it is.

So, I suppose the point of this post is that to begin the process of forgiving your ex (and ultimately, stop being angry at yourself) is to realize that just as you didn't know how to deal with the situation at the time, so was he.  He was also confused, mixed with emotions....and whatever else he was going through.......that he just didn't know how to cope.

In other words, it's two people trying to deal with it when neither of them have a clue about how to deal with it. 

I like to think that that was what it was for me.  Nothing more.  I can accept that and it doesn't really matter anymore.

In the news....

Like many of you, I've been reading a lot about the Cleveland kidnapping and Abercromobie & Fitch in the news recently.  The former is about the escape of 3 women who were kidnapped and held captive for a decade while the latter is about the company's refusal to make plus size clothing for women.

Here are the links Story 1 and Story 2 if you want to catch up.

In reading these stories, I came across some funny things that people say when they are describing something.  For example:

"Cool as a cucumber" was how Charles Ramsey described kidnapper Ariel Castro.

"Then you become vanilla" was how CEO Mike Jeffries described other companies that tried to market to everyone.

Maybe it's just me that finds it amusing.....but when you are reading these serious and sometimes tragic or politically charged news items and something quirky or "un-news-like" comes up, it makes the stories more relatable, don't you think?

It just makes it real because that's how people really talk sometimes.  They don't talk like news anchors, they talk like normal people.

Yes, that includes CEOs ---- "Then you become vanilla"
Yes, you sure do, A&F, you are indeed vanilla.

Philosophers [random]

Philosophers talk about suffering, pain, love and life as if they experience it everyday. 

But the truth is, most of the time, they are sitting in an ivory tower and in the comforts of their secured space as they preach about experiences that they probably have never experienced themselves.  They are, in my opinion, the farthest away from the very thing that they philosophize about. 

Hence, they can sit there and talk about it in an almost glorified manner because it is a fantasy to them.  They probably have never tried to step outside of their door and take a look.  These philosophers - the ones that only talk - I have no respect for them. 

Of all people, they should know that the way to understand something is to live through it yourself.  Put yourself in the very situation that you talk about and see how you react under those real circumstances.  Not some hypothetical scenarios and what if's and why not's.  That's all bull.

Snap shots 2

I was cleaning out my computer drives and came across more miscellaneous photos of all randomness.  Hope you guys enjoy ;)

Sakura in Spring

My go-to travel bag

  

Chris dug out a short little 3-legged carrot.  Cuteness!

Our late night game....Uno. 

My favorite go-to meal.  Love it!

Snaps shots 1

I rarely do photo-blogs here, but I would like to try and have a go at it this time.  I'm not saying this will be amazing, but I thought it would be nice to show you what I have been up to in the recent months.

Chris and I went to Taiwan a few months ago and here's what we saw among many other things <3

The temples

Some adorable alpacas
 

Her name is Venus, Chris' brother's girlfriend's dog.  We took her out for a walk one day.  I can tell you that she's not too keen on exercise.

And here's my breakfast today.  Chris' lovely homemade tomato sauce on toast.  His idea.

  

The view from my office today. It's been raining for almost 2 months here...

Hope you enjoyed!

She wasn't ugly to me

I was watching a LisaLisaD1 video today (I love her - link to her Youtube videos Here) and near the end of the video, she was talking about returning her handbags and how the sales lady wasn't ugly to her.

Well, I just happened to like that phrase a lot and it just seems such a good way to describe that.

So, why am I talking about this....

I received an email from one of my students today and he wrote, "Dear dr, I have an urgent question...."

It was an urgent question because the research paper for my course was due today and so he was hoping to get clarification on a theory.

Now, the fact that he didn't address me properly did annoy me.  But the thing that bothered me most was he didn't sign it off.  In other words, his name was not anywhere in his email and so, I had no idea who I was talking to here.

Naturally, when I replied his email, I began with this, "Hi," and then I proceeded to answer his question.

And what do you know?  A somewhat unexpected thing happened later in the afternoon.  The same student wrote back to thank me and this time, it was in the form of a proper email.

"Dear Dr. Zooe, 

Thanks for your help!

[student's name]"

Whaddaya know?  I guess he wasn't ugly to me in the end!

Tuesday

I've got class this afternoon from 4:30 to 6:30.  To get me through this, I got myself the usual: Café Mocha and a hazelnut chocolate chip muffin from Starbucks.  This will hold me over until I get home, which is around 7pm and by that time, I'm usually starving.  Adding to that, I walk home, so that's 1/2 hour of exercise squeeze in there before my dinner.

Like most of you, I turned on the computer today with Boston all over the Internet.  I was in shock, of course.  At first, I tried to read up on it as much as possible, saw the videos....but the more I learned about what happened, the more upset I became and the harder it was for me to wrap my head around it. 

I think it is just a typical way we deal with tragic news of any sort.

So, I felt very heavy and dark and this was certainly not a good way to start the day (the miserable weather we've been having here wasn't helping either).  I was quite desperate to get myself out of the heavy mood until I read this feed on Facebook:

"Yes what happen at Boston Marathon was crazy but if American Media blames this on Brown bodies, I will xxxxxx go crazy. If the Military blames it on Koreans, I will not support the draft or the war. If they blame it on disability, I will hate society to its core. If they blame it on a Black person, I will rage from inward out. Only if they blame it on themselves will I be able to be at peace if your looking for what level of terror it is I'm going to have to say Pale or white."

Now, I know this is controversial.  I know not everyone will accept this and many will find it offensive.  I know.  I'm not sure how I exactly feel about it either.  Regardless, it does show us the other view and for that, it has its merits to a limited extent.  

Perhaps another less offensive status was this: "Politicians play their games while civilians pay the price."

Certainly, these gave me something to think about, which was far more comforting that seeing those images on the news.

What do you think?

 

Bloggin'

Blogging.

I haven't been blogging for very long.  Public blogging, that is, if we can call it that.

I used to keep a private blog online that I share with Chris.  He was the only one who had access to the diary and it was something that we shared during our long distance dating.  Yes, it felt that long of a distance =)

 I closed that blog and began this current one. 

But if we look at this in the big picture kind of way, I've been writing since I was in grade 5, which was 20 years ago.  It was in my grade 5 English class that I've developed this habit of writing journals.  We had to write 1 journal entry per week as part of our weekly assignment for the class.  And ever since then, I've been writing 2 or 3 entries per week in journals, note pads, random papers, letters.....just scattered everywhere with no permanent home.

I'm fairly sure that I will continue to write....well into my more senior years because that's just what I do, as the cliche goes.  However, I'm not sure what form it will take.  In this current blog?  In a book?  In magazines?  Newspapers?  Will they still be around then?

Who knows.  Who knows.  =)

Ownership

An interesting *new* feeling came over me today (and these past few days)....

This nice office with a nice view over the harbor....nice....but it's not mine.
This nice office....not mine.
This nice computer....not mine.
This nice office building, Starbucks, marble floors.......all somebody else's property. 
Not mine.

So, all of a sudden, I feel like I want to do something or spend time working on something that will be mine or eventually become mine. 

The whole idea of working for somebody or in my case, an institution (university) in an office that doesn't belong to me just lost its appeal.  It feels alienating today.

Then, I googled the following "Fashion Magazine Internship".

Hummmmm.....

What could be next???

Spring break? What? No!

No, this will not be a post about spring break.  I know many of you are busy planning your getaway, but I will not be talking about spring break / reading week.

Instead, I want to talk about how marriage legitimizes you as a person. 

What? Come again?

Yes, because I do feel this way.  As I read the news today about the US Supreme Court and their decision to hear the case of same sex marriage, I can't help but to think about it and write about it. 

Ever since I got married 2 weeks ago, I realize that I feel different.  I don't necessarily look better in any way, but I feel more confident, precisely, more LEGITIMATE.

The sense of legitimacy comes from the fact that I now, in the eyes of my peers, friends, society, am a person with a known status.  I no longer need to qualify / describe my relationship with Chris as the boyfriend, significant other or partner. 

You all know that awkwardness you get when you introduce that person as your boyfriend, significant other or partner.  The underlying message is that this relationship - no matter how loving or how stable it has been for the past 20 years - is not recognized or acceptable because you are not "married".

With marriage, you almost immediately have a legitimate claim to....well, your existence, your way of life, or just life itself!   

I never thought that I, as an educated and modern woman, would ever feel this way and yet, I do.  I never thought that marriage would legitimize my sense of existence and my sense of self the way that it has.  Never. 

So, when people say "Marriage is the best thing that has happened to me".  I believe them.  NOW, I believe them.

For me, marriage is legitimization.  If it can have this effect on me, then I am sure it can have the same effect on many many others out there.

And to think that this - this process of legitimization - is not available to everyone....just the thought of that.....is *shakes my head* u-n-b-e-l-i-e-v-a-b-l-e. 

Is this Love? =D

Heartbroken?

Heartbroken - job wise.

I went to audit (observe) the tutorials for my courses today.  The first one was for my senior course on public policy and institutional design at 9:30 in the morning.

The first thing that occured to me was, "Wow, these students are enrolled in my class?  I've never seen them before in lecture?!?!"

#1 Mood: already kinda pissed.

Then one of these Missing-in-Action-students said to my teaching assistant (of course, without realizing that me, the lecturer, was sitting next to him since he never came to class), "The readings this week were so tedious...it put me to bed early!  I got a good night sleep!"

#2 Mood: getting more pissed.

And things simply went downhill during the tutorial discussion.  In particular, those who never came to class had no clue about what was going on.  When they were trying to engage in the discussion, they were pretty much fluffing all the way through.

#3 Mood: I want to get out of here.

This was my conclusion at the end of the 1 hour tutorial:  These guys are going to suffer at exam time.  They don't know this stuff at all.  How are they even going to answer the exam questions?  How do they even pass the course???

Me --> in shock [still] !!!!

Be Supportive!

So this is my Aunt's reply to my email (after I told her that we may need to push the wedding ahead one more time - I'll fill you in the details below)

"Haha ... I know that's what you want --> skip the wedding. Stop dreaming, that's impossible for Chris' family. If you remember, I had to do the same when I got married (to your Uncle).

I'm sure Chris knows how to handle the situation; we just go along with what Chris says; be supportive!

Take care,
Aunt"

So the details....

Chris' grandma called him several days ago and said, "I hope I'll be able to make it to your wedding in June."  O....m.....g.......

And that's why we may need to move the wedding early in case..........

Hence, my Aunt's reply. 

What is Success

Chris asked me yesterday how I define success or "What is success to you?"

This was during dinner yesterday (we were eating out) at a local restaurant after a long day of dress fittings.

I said to him, "Well, when I was in university, I thought success meant being the best in what you do."  Meaning, I wanted to be this iron-lady-career-woman-crazy-work-addict who can do everything (work wise) and dominate everyone in the office.

But I said, "Because I had the chance to do that, really, when I moved to this city, I was single, I was carefree, had very little responsibilities, I could really just focus on work and work my way up.....

Since it was really within my grasp, I realize that it's not what I want for myself after all.  I didn't want to continue down that path anymore because I could see exactly where and how I would end up. 

Exactly like that bit-ach down the corner office - in her crazy little world where everybody runs away from her.  And I don't want that as my future.  That's not how I want to end up."

Chris: "So what do you want?"

"I totally understand that we need to work, have a good work ethic, I totally get that.  But I don't want work to dominate my life.  My life is not just work.  I do not = Career.

Success to me is when I don't need to suffer at work and I am still able to afford all the things I need.  I'm not saying I want a life of luxury - NO.  But what I am saying is that work does not intervene with my personal and family life.  I don't want to have to ever sacrifice one in order to fit into the other.

To be successful means, to me personally, that I don't ever need to make that choice. Ever."

 That's what I think.

Women In Power

I had lunch with a colleague today and I came out of our lunch meeting with the following question in mind:

How did us women become so tough these days?

Story 1: My colleague did long distance with her fiance (she recently got engaged) after 15 years of togetherness and 5 of these years were long distance (2 different time zones; 2 different continents with a major ocean in the middle).  She's 35.

I said to her: [my eye balls as big as volleyballs] How do you possibly do long distance for THAT long?

Her reply: Well, it would be funny if we don't last once we get married.  [Yes, that was her reply.  She's a political theorist...and she's super bright.]  And we might continue to have a long distance marriage if we can't find a way to be in one city.  You know, academic couples are not that easy.  And I never want to be labelled as the "Trailing Wife".
 
I said, "Trailing Wife"?  That's a horribly name!  

Story 2:  My other colleague, just a little bit older than me, came to our university 4 years ago while she was pregnant.  Her husband was still finishing her PhD at the time.  Throughout all these years, she worked, she took care of the kid (she has help from a maid), she did her research.....she did everything.

She's pregnant again, due in June, and she's planned her pregnancy so that she would not need to be taking any maternity leave.  Can you imagine that?  In other words, she'll take her rest during the summer break and return right back to work in September.

I said to my lunch buddy this afternoon: Why are there so many accomplished, strong, and amazing women in our department?  That's just so amazing.

She looked at me and said, "I know, we are all crazy around here. I'm glad you are getting out.  At least you are normal!"

I love her.   

Turtle

What I learned from my students today:

Sometimes, the slow and steady does win the race.

A student of mine came to my office this morning to discuss some issues about the course.  He was about to make a presentation in tutorials tomorrow, so he had some questions about the readings and wanted some clarification.

With the way I had set up the course, there would be student presentations each week.  This particular student chose to go first (normally, students never want to go first) and he also decided that he would choose the first essay topic and finish it as soon as he possibly could.  That way, he would be done with everything and in his mind, sit back and relax for the rest of the term without having to worry about the course work. 

So he thinks.

Well, not that I would give him additional work.  Of course not.

But I did ask him this: "What's the rush?  Why are you trying to get everything done early?  It hasn't even been a month yet since the course started and you've only learned 1 topic out of 13 topics.  How do you know you want to do your essay on this topic?  Maybe you will find the later topics a lot easier once you've had more time to digest the course material?"

He didn't reply directly to my questions of course....but I knew he got my point.  That smirk on his face subsided a little and that crack in his head, maybe, just maybe, widened up just a teennnnyy bit more than before.

No matter, that was the lesson I learned from him today.  If you focus too narrowly on something, you may end up missing the whole picture.  In his case, I hope he won't have to learn the lesson the hard way.

Gown 1/2

Chris and I went shopping for our wedding attire yesterday and it was a success.  I mean, we got what we wanted...so in that aspect, it was good.  However, I cringed every time I thought about the fact that that's money I could have used towards something better, such as our vacation.

Mind you, we didn't spend a lot.  My formal gown and his suit together were easily 1/3 of what we would have had to pay in stores at the mall.  We had ours tailored made; we chose the fabric, chose the cut........so actually, we got a bargain.

But still, you know...money is money is money.

So, everything I suppose is coming together nicely.  Now, I say "Gown 1/2" or 1/2 of a gown because I will have two gowns.  I will wear one at the beginning of the banquet and another one near the end. 

In fact, here's a side note: Chris keeps tell me that he will bring me to listen to opera or some classical music performance when we are in Europe this summer.  And he said, I can wear one of my gowns for the occasion.  I don't know when and where he came up with this idea of us going to see a show in formal evening wear.....I mean I certainly don't remember saying anything about it being my childhood dream...????

So...LOL...I really don't know where he got that.  But it's super sweet, no? =D

p.s (left): Necklace that I'm totally digging at the moment, from Forever21

Book: Pour Your Heart Into it: How Starbucks Built a Company One Cup at a Time