Not Bye, Miss American Pie

To stop and leave is not to say goodbye.

Hold on, Zooe; come again?!

Prof Evans (remember him from my previous post?) knocked on my door this afternoon.

He peeked in and said: Well, bye Professor!  I'm heading off to the airport now.
Me: Oh, hi Paul!  You are leaving today!
Evans: Yes, well, it was very nice meeting you.....
Me: Same here
Evans: I wish you all the best; Happy Marriage and Honeymoon and I hope that you will become a successful and happy and lovely professor in the next 5 years.
Me: Well.....that's......
Evans: No, I really wish that for you.
Me: Then, thank you very much!  Safe journey!  Safe journey!

And with that, he was gone like the wind.

I think he must have felt that I belong in academia, but maybe not in this current university.  So, he was always very encouraging in terms of me giving it another chance and thinking it through. 

I am ambivalent about this profession.  If I do end up doing it again, a miracle or something to that effect must have happened.  While I'm not ruling it out, but for me to step inside another university again, I know that it will take a whole lot of convincing and soul searching.

So, this trip / time off / 7-months-vacation-thing could not have happened in a more opportune time.  It's the perfect way for me to detox and un-jade myself.  I know for a fact that I have become jaded.  I don't understand nor do I believe in the university system anymore and this not good, especially if I work in such a system.

I really look forward to what is to come.  I'm not saying it will be smooth sailing, but at least, it will be in the right direction for me.  So while I am leaving and stopping this now, it doesn't mean I am done and through.

In fact, this is just the beginning.  For me and for Chris <3

Lunch with the Dean (ex-Dean)

I had lunch with the ex-Dean this afternoon.  He was the faculty's dean for the past 5 years and had just stepped down from the position this year.  He's a nice guy, but I wouldn't want to be this guy. 

I was kind of nervous about this lunch meeting because we don't really know each other that well, haven't worked together before, haven't lunched at all before, and just don't really hang out. 

He's up there in the stratosphere while I'm down here just trying to get it all together.  I mean, ultimately, we are at different levels.  So, when he invited me to this lunch meeting, I was a bit "Who, me?  Okay, sure."  I don't think I can no to this, no??

Turns out (as it usually does), lunch went fine.  I don't know how it was for him, but it was a bit dry for me, to be frank.  It was pleasant, but if I had a choice, he would not be my lunch buddy, really.  It was casual, but formal at the same time -- formal casual, if you know what I mean.

We pretend to be casual, but really, it's just formal.  I think y'all know what I mean.  It's a typical work thing.  Anyway, I'm glad it's done.  It's one thing I don't need to do again. LOL =D

An apple a day...

The view from my office this morning.

And this is the apple I want to talk about (keep reading)

Today was supposed to be a chillax day at the office.  I scheduled two brief meetings with students and then a departmental seminar/lunch.  That was all that was on the agenda....supposed to be easy as pie.

It didn't quite turn out as planned.

The two meetings went fine.  The students didn't have major problems.  Everything was good until the departmental lunch seminar.

The talk was on "Teaching World Issues with 21st Century Characteristics to 21st Century Students: What's Next?"  It was a great talk given by a visiting colleague whom I've had the pleasure to meet.  We had lunch two days ago and it was great.

At the end of the talk, he said to me, "Zooe, stay put for a bit."

When the room emptied out....

Evans (the colleague):You know, I was so sad about what you said during lunch 2 days ago about this system.
Me: Really...I'm sorry...
Evans: No....you know, it doesn't have to be this way.  Every system is different.  Just because it didn't work out in this one doesn't mean it will not work in other ones.
Me: I know.  I see that
Evans: And when it works, it's really fantastic.  It's great!
Me: I know, I see it through you.

Evans: You are so involved and engaged in this; I can see it.  It's great.  So, don't lose that.
Me: Thank you.  You know, I got quite emotional in my last class on Tuesday.
Evans: Yeah, you were keeping it quite cool before that....did you cry?
Me: I tried not to...that would have been too much.
Evans: Too much, eh?  Well, don't give up on this profession yet, Zooe.  It's really great.
Me: Thanks Paul.  Thanks a lot.  [leave the room]

When I got back to my office, I locked my door and tears came streaming down my face.  Uncontrollably.  What happened? 

I took a moment or two to recuperate and took the apple picture.  A friend gave this to me in my first year of teaching.  I've kept it on my desk.  Cute apple, isn't it?

My last class

(Picture of one of our examination halls...Exams are coming soon!)

I taught my last class 2 days ago.

I say it's my "last class", but I actually don't know if it will in fact be my last class.  The reason is that I may get another teaching job after Chris and I come back from backpacking.  So, I don't want to jinx it.  Or maybe I just did.  Who knows. LOL.

The point is, I was a little bit emotional and my voice cracked a couple of times.  I did feel different.  I didn't anticipate these feelings would come up during my lecture, but they did and I manged to keep them under control.

No matter, the term is over for now.  The teaching is over for now.  Perhaps, I can start to breathe a little.

Jaded

I updated my facebook status with the following:  [ jaded ]

...........and Sandeep private messaged me on facebook and asked, "Why?"

By the way, Aerosmith has a song called Jaded and did you know that the girl in their music video was none other than Mila Kunis?

How amazing is that?

Well, I am glad that I am leaving this place soon [career wise].  When I was pouring my heart out to Chris yesterday saying how I have 'lost my passion' for my job, he said, "Yeah, I can tell."

I have always done very well in school; in highschool and in university.  I can say that I function well under that system.  I enjoyed learning and I was motivated to do well.  However, when you are on the other side (as I am now), it's a totally different game.

As a teacher/professor/university staff...anybody except students, you are the one providing the experience to the students.  Even though you may be enjoying the experience for yourself, the same can't be said for your students.  Most of the time, they are having a completely different experience than you.

So, you may be up there lecturing enthusiastically about a topic, but everyone else in the room is probably lost and doesn't understand why you keep going on and on about the same point for 10 minutes.

See, that's the reality for them.   And ultimately, that will also be the reality for you when you see your teaching evaluations.

Now, there will be a couple of students who get what you do and appreciate what you do and who you are.  But these come by far and few and are not enough to sustain your motivation to keep going for very long.

So.....I am ready to get out a bit, to recuperate, to save myself...and come back refreshed.   

She wasn't ugly to me

I was watching a LisaLisaD1 video today (I love her - link to her Youtube videos Here) and near the end of the video, she was talking about returning her handbags and how the sales lady wasn't ugly to her.

Well, I just happened to like that phrase a lot and it just seems such a good way to describe that.

So, why am I talking about this....

I received an email from one of my students today and he wrote, "Dear dr, I have an urgent question...."

It was an urgent question because the research paper for my course was due today and so he was hoping to get clarification on a theory.

Now, the fact that he didn't address me properly did annoy me.  But the thing that bothered me most was he didn't sign it off.  In other words, his name was not anywhere in his email and so, I had no idea who I was talking to here.

Naturally, when I replied his email, I began with this, "Hi," and then I proceeded to answer his question.

And what do you know?  A somewhat unexpected thing happened later in the afternoon.  The same student wrote back to thank me and this time, it was in the form of a proper email.

"Dear Dr. Zooe, 

Thanks for your help!

[student's name]"

Whaddaya know?  I guess he wasn't ugly to me in the end!

If I can start over...

I just painted my nails - a nude polish with a sparkly accent nail - and I'm going to write this blog while they dry.  This could be a disaster, but I'm going to go with it anyway.

The title of this post is "If I can start over..."

I think everyone (well, I suggest) should have a post on this topic in their blog (if they write blogs) or at least think about it and have this conversation with themselves.  I think it is that important.

If I can start over, I think I would start over right when I finished my PhD.  Now, to be clear, I never regretted my decision to do my PhD.  Never.  It paid my living expenses (and then some) during all 4 years of my study; it enabled me to live on my own; and it, quite frankly, got me and Chris together.

What I would do differently is that I would not take up the job at my current university and subsequently, begin my academic career.  In other words, I always wonder if I was not doing what I have been doing for the past 3 years (i.e. teaching), what in the world would I be doing now?  What would I have chosen as my career?  Where would I have ended up?

This teaching thing is not bad.  It pays really well and it's a really comfortable job.  Flexible hours, great benefits, and everyone (almost everyone) thinks you are smart.  But at the end of the day, I am pretty certain that this is not my passion.

I work at this job because it pays me, not because it drives me.  And as I sit in my fancy office overlooking the harbor, which is a great view, I still wonder constantly, What If....? 

I'm restless.  I don't sit well in my chair - this current chair.  So, this is how I know this is not for me.

In my mind, I think I am justified to say that I've wasted 3 years, career wise.

And so, I ask you the same question: "If you can start over, when and how would you start over?"
 

Stillness of the night

I posted a similar quote before...

"In the darkest, stillness of the night, when you are left with nothing but the terror of your own thoughts, and if you find that you are happy with the decisions you have made, that you are alright with them, then you have made the right decisions."

I believe the credit goes to Nietzsche, paraphrased by one of the guest lecturers for my course from last term.

I loved this quote.  Recently, I've been coming across similar quotes on facebook, web pages, status updates....everywhere.  There's a saying that if you intend to look for something or if that certain something is on your mind, then you'll notice it or spot it more often than usual.  It's certainly true for me these days.

The term is about to end soon, precisely, at the end of April.  I have about one more month to go before the long-awaited plan becomes a reality.  Yes, an actual reality.  Our backpacking trip will begin on July 1st.  If you've been reading this blog for some time, then you must know that this is something I've been talking about for a long time now.

So, you have been on this journey with me too.

What will be in store for Chris and me?  What career decisions will I make after our 6 months of traveling?  Will I actually have the guts to pursue what I think is my dream?  

What's that, you ask?

A writer, perhaps?

Who knows.  

I will think about it in the darkest, stillness of the night. 

Ungrateful?

It's been said that teaching (perhaps including professors) is one of the most underrated and unappreciated professions.  I agree.

I can relate to this now that I've been teaching for 3 and more years.  If you include my TA days, that will make it 7 years of teaching in total.

I've been sick for the past few days - common flu - so, there's the runny rose, headache, fever, cold sweats....everything. 

Yet, I still managed to get up today and lecture.  Forced myself into my heels and put on a good show.  And what happened?

What HAPPENED???

The guy that was sitting front and center starts yawing, looking bored, and eventually fell asleep.  No shame about it whatsoever.

I was quite annoyed, but obviously I didn't say anything and let it go.

So, I can't wait until the terms is over and when I am done - done with teaching.  Hopefully, I will never need to teach under similar circumstances ever again!!!

One way conversation

So, the Department Head asked to meet with me regarding my plans for next year.  He did this via an email sent to me at around 5:00 in the afternoon yesterday.

I responded and we met up the next morning at 11:30.  Very efficient of me, I know.

I went into this meeting a bit confused, actually.  For one, I thought we've already had this conversation, precisely last September when the academic term just began.  At that time, the Head was asking me about my plans so that the Department could figure out how many new positions would be available for next year.

I thought both of us were already very clear then about me not staying with the Department anymore since the Department was heading on a different direction and could not quite accommodate me.

So, come 6 months later (i.e. today), it surprised me that we are having this conversation once again.  Nothing has changed on my part.  I am still getting married in Taiwan in June and still going to backpack across Eastern Europe and India.

So, what was the point of the conversation?  Just to confirm that I was really leaving?  Just to confirm again that I am of no use to the Department?  To make me feel bad AGAIN???

In any case, the Head got what he wanted - I gave him my information - told him exactly what my plans were. 

And did I get anything of value in return - other than 30 minutes of pleasantries and conversation?

Hence, one-way-conversation.

Heartbroken?

Heartbroken - job wise.

I went to audit (observe) the tutorials for my courses today.  The first one was for my senior course on public policy and institutional design at 9:30 in the morning.

The first thing that occured to me was, "Wow, these students are enrolled in my class?  I've never seen them before in lecture?!?!"

#1 Mood: already kinda pissed.

Then one of these Missing-in-Action-students said to my teaching assistant (of course, without realizing that me, the lecturer, was sitting next to him since he never came to class), "The readings this week were so tedious...it put me to bed early!  I got a good night sleep!"

#2 Mood: getting more pissed.

And things simply went downhill during the tutorial discussion.  In particular, those who never came to class had no clue about what was going on.  When they were trying to engage in the discussion, they were pretty much fluffing all the way through.

#3 Mood: I want to get out of here.

This was my conclusion at the end of the 1 hour tutorial:  These guys are going to suffer at exam time.  They don't know this stuff at all.  How are they even going to answer the exam questions?  How do they even pass the course???

Me --> in shock [still] !!!!

What is Success

Chris asked me yesterday how I define success or "What is success to you?"

This was during dinner yesterday (we were eating out) at a local restaurant after a long day of dress fittings.

I said to him, "Well, when I was in university, I thought success meant being the best in what you do."  Meaning, I wanted to be this iron-lady-career-woman-crazy-work-addict who can do everything (work wise) and dominate everyone in the office.

But I said, "Because I had the chance to do that, really, when I moved to this city, I was single, I was carefree, had very little responsibilities, I could really just focus on work and work my way up.....

Since it was really within my grasp, I realize that it's not what I want for myself after all.  I didn't want to continue down that path anymore because I could see exactly where and how I would end up. 

Exactly like that bit-ach down the corner office - in her crazy little world where everybody runs away from her.  And I don't want that as my future.  That's not how I want to end up."

Chris: "So what do you want?"

"I totally understand that we need to work, have a good work ethic, I totally get that.  But I don't want work to dominate my life.  My life is not just work.  I do not = Career.

Success to me is when I don't need to suffer at work and I am still able to afford all the things I need.  I'm not saying I want a life of luxury - NO.  But what I am saying is that work does not intervene with my personal and family life.  I don't want to have to ever sacrifice one in order to fit into the other.

To be successful means, to me personally, that I don't ever need to make that choice. Ever."

 That's what I think.

Choosing...

I was chatting with my coworker after class this afternoon and it got me thinking about about some things, hence, this post.

We exchanged the usual pleasantries and she asked, "What about you? When will you get married?"

So, I updated her on what's going on: the registration, the wedding in Taiwan, my grandma, and my travel plans.

She asked, So where will you settle down after the trip?
Me: We are not sure.  That's why we are taking the trip to help us decide.
Coworker: wow...that's really something!  Yes, should do this when you don't have any children.  Once you have children, you can't go anywhere else.  You need to stay home and take care of things.......

................she went on and on about it...and so I said...

Me: What are you talking about?  I will be jobless very soon!"
Coworker: It's good to follow your dreams.  I'm too old to do that now.

Which got me thinking in my head: "Too old?"  You are only a couple years older than me!  You are not old at all!

And then, I sort of understood.  As in all other cases, when Chris and I share our plans to our friends, they all look at us in awe and say Wow, that's wonderful!  Such a great plan!  I wish I can do that!!  But here's the thing and it is going to sound cliche, YOU CAN!

Chris and I are no different than most people.  We simply decided to do it.  We simply decided to stop, quit our jobs, [be selfish for half a year], and travel around.  There was no mystery or special trick to it.

We simply decided to do it.  And that was it.    So, what I wanted to say to my coworker was the same thing too.  If you want to, you can.  There's really nothing stopping you.

Nothing.

The way ahead

I received an email today from our department head informing us that the selection committee has narrowed down the list of candidates and will be conducting jobs talks in the coming weeks.

For your information, 'job talks' are interviews for academics.  We invite those who have applied for a position at our department to come in and do a talk with us.  Usually, these talks will last about an hour or so (which is open to the public) followed by a close door interview (which is only open to the selection committee). 

During the first hour of the talk, the applicant will do a 20 minute presentation on his/her research and the audience can then ask him/her questions about various topics: the actual content of the research, the research methodology, his/her teaching philosophy, or we can simply criticize/challenge the research and see how he/she will handle it.

When this part of the talk is over, we proceed to the second part of the interview, which is more about the nitty gritty stuff such as how many courses can the applicant teach, what are the applicant's qualifications, his/her research record...etc etc.

If this talk is done in the morning, then we may invite the applicant for a department lunch afterwards.  Or we may have lunch with the applicant first before proceeding to the talk.

Either way, it's a process.

So, when I got this email today, I had mixed feelings.  The first thing that came to me as I scrolled down the list of applicants was that I could pretty much guess who was going to make it and who wasn't.  The fact that I realized this was not very pleasant.

Second, I felt a sense of relief in that I was glad I was not going to be part of this process; that as far as I know at the moment, I was not going to continue down this career path anymore.  I've been doing this work for nearly 10 years now, so I was certainly glad I finally had the opportunity to move on. 

It's a nice feeling, really.  Finally, a chance to do something different.  It's almost a blessing.  =)

Turtle

What I learned from my students today:

Sometimes, the slow and steady does win the race.

A student of mine came to my office this morning to discuss some issues about the course.  He was about to make a presentation in tutorials tomorrow, so he had some questions about the readings and wanted some clarification.

With the way I had set up the course, there would be student presentations each week.  This particular student chose to go first (normally, students never want to go first) and he also decided that he would choose the first essay topic and finish it as soon as he possibly could.  That way, he would be done with everything and in his mind, sit back and relax for the rest of the term without having to worry about the course work. 

So he thinks.

Well, not that I would give him additional work.  Of course not.

But I did ask him this: "What's the rush?  Why are you trying to get everything done early?  It hasn't even been a month yet since the course started and you've only learned 1 topic out of 13 topics.  How do you know you want to do your essay on this topic?  Maybe you will find the later topics a lot easier once you've had more time to digest the course material?"

He didn't reply directly to my questions of course....but I knew he got my point.  That smirk on his face subsided a little and that crack in his head, maybe, just maybe, widened up just a teennnnyy bit more than before.

No matter, that was the lesson I learned from him today.  If you focus too narrowly on something, you may end up missing the whole picture.  In his case, I hope he won't have to learn the lesson the hard way.

Mentality

Chris and I will be traveling very soon and while we are making all the preparations such as buying the backpack and getting the supplies, I realize that I have yet to prepare myself for all the changes that will come our way this summer.

I was talking to a colleague this morning and he informed me that his wife, who also teaches at our department, has accepted a job elsewhere.  They will be moving by the end of the term in May.  I said, "That's great!  You guys will be closer to home!"

He said, "Well, it's mostly because of the kid (they just had a baby a few months ago) and we don't want him to grow up here."  I can understand.  It is really too crowded here and the smog and air pollution shoots up the roof all the time.

He said, "Besides, I need to finish up my PhD this year.  I really need to get a job, you know, with the kid and all."

I said, "For sure...."

So, they will have some big changes going on in their lives.  And after talking to me, I realize that I will be going through some big changes myself and I haven't really taken it all in yet.

Like yesterday, I had my first class and I kept telling Chris that this was all unreal to me.  I suppose I can't grasp these two very opposing lifestyles that I'm leading at the moment.  On the one hand, I'm reading about exotic places, thinking about building a company, pursuing my passion, and all the wonderful stuff that I look forward to.  On the other hand, I also have this life that's happening right now: going to working in the department, teaching 2 courses, making ppts, dealing with emails....and just routines that are becoming more and more meaningless to me. 

So, how do I deal? 

I realize I have yet to mentally grasp all that, which is why I feel weird....out of sort, so to speak. 

What can I do? 

It's.......

............reference letter season, don't ya know?

Yes, it's that time of the year again when internship/job/exchange applications are happening and I'm flooded with emails about recommendation letters.

If you know anything about professors, you will find what I'm about to say below to be quite true.

1) We have poor eye sight
Translation: we can't tell who is who in the class
Further Translation: we dont' know your name

2)  We have no idea about your personality
Translation: we open our excel file, look up your student number, and decide what adjectives to use
Further Translation: A = exceptional, B = very good, capable, C = lots of potential, hardworking

3) We probably have a reference letter template and we just change out the name, date, and adjectives to tailor it to your needs

4) We always always write very good reference letters as a way to say thank you for taking our course =)

Of course, I'm saying this in a half joking manner.  So, do not be alarmed.  To be honest, I feel completely flattered that students approach me with recommendation letters and I will write a good one for them.  Unless the are being ridiculous, then I will call them to a meeting and see what it is all about.  Usually what happens is that I end up liking them even more after the meeting. 

So, it's all good!  Happy application writing, everyone!

 

My last lecture for the semester

Tomorrow's lecture at 4:30 in the afternoon will be my last lecture of the semester.  One more semester to go and I will be a free woman.  So to speak.  For now. 

At the end of the class today, which is the last lecture for another course I'm teaching, I was given a nice round of applause.  The students seemed to appreciate the effort I put into the course and they seemed to enjoy it?  Well, they were certainly happy.

At the end of it all, I'm relieved, of course.  It always feels good to finish something.  However, yes, HOWEVER, I realize that this time around is different. 

This time around, the sense of relief comes from knowing that I may never have to lecture on this topic again.  To teach this class again.  To be in the same classroom again.  It's the feeling that...

"Ok, now I'm finished with this drudgery part of the work, I can finally move on to something more promising and satisfying."

So, you see, this is the difference.  I don't feel any sense of accomplishment or satisfaction about this at all whereas before, in anything that I did before, I would.  For example, when I was writing for the Varsity student newspaper back then, I felt a great sense of accomplishment and pride everytime I finished drafting my article.  And when I hit the SEND button to email my draft to my editor, it was Heaven. 

With this teaching thing, I don't get that.  I'm so relieved that it's over. 

So, that is clearly a sign, no?  Isn't that a very clear indication that it's time to move on?  That I should spend my energy on something else?  I think so.

"In the darkest, stillness of night

......when you are left with nothing but the terror of your own thoughts, 
and if you find that you are happy with the decisions that you have made, 
that you are alright with them, then you have made the right decisions."

That is how you know that you have made a decision as a free individual, according to Nietzsche.  And that is exactly what I am going to think about when I sit in the Himalayas in December of next year.  I can't wait.

This was from a guest lecture, from a colleague who teaches critical theory.  I invited her to come to my political analysis class and give a talk and this was her answer to the student's question. 

She and I chatted a little bit after class and she told me that she's also on the job market looking for her next job.  Shocking!  It seems like our whole department is leaving, except the usual suspects.  Shocker!

It's a shame because she's uber cool, in my eyes.  I think she offers a breath of fresh air from most peeps in our department.  But again, precisely because she sticks out, she's more likely than others to go.  It's too bad.

When I think about all the staff who will be leaving this year or the next, there are about four of them, the department is really going to be different.  By the way, in case you don't know, the department put out ads recently looking for 6 new faculty.

At this point, I don't......I just keep shaking my head. 

Good luck to those of us who are leaving and also to those who will be staying behind.

a talk

So this afternoon, the head came into my office and we had the talk.

Head: So, do you have time to talk?  Very busy?
Me: No, I'm alright.
H: How are your courses?  Heavy workload this year.
Me: Yeah, but it's alright.  
H: So, regarding your vacation leave....you know, I personally don't mind....as long as I
     don't know about it, then it's fine.
Me: Yes, I understand.  I get it; thank you very much.

H: So, how long will you leave, actually?  All of two months?
M: No no...I will come back after the wedding, stay for about 2 weeks, then I must leave
     again.
H: I see.  So, what's your plan?  Do you plan to stay here after?
M: Yes, I think so.  I think both Chris and I plan to stay here.

H: Well, your current position will be cancelled next year, as you may or may not know. 
      Did Donald tell you about this?
M: No, he didn't. [I'm thinking: but I already found out from your secretary!]
H: But we are hiring a faculty position next year...3 year contract, non-tenure.
M: Ok, I will keep that in mind. [thinking: who would ever want to apply for a
      non-tenure position?]

H: Well, okay, if the department owes you any money or if you need anything, be sure to
      let me know and I'll see how I can help.
M: That's great.  Thank you very much.  Really, thanks a lot.

So, that was our shallow conversation.  He's a nice guy......but really, to me, it's just all a nice gesture to cover a whole lot of bull.  Whatever.....